Ladies, we've been lied to!
They told us we could have it all - the education, the career, the family, the body. And while we can have all those things, what they failed to mention is that trying to have it all, all at once, all of the time is basically impossible.
"Work/life balance" is a buzz phrase which has been circulating the online space for years, but especially in the last three years. It's led us to believe that we're doing something wrong if we can't journal, meditate, eat perfectly, exercise, make money, travel, be a parent, see friends, have hobbies, and work on our personal development consistently, whilst looking and feeling amazing.
It's exhausting to think about, let alone try to maintain.
This week (2nd-8th October 2023) is National Work/Life Week, and it's got me thinking about the concept and my experience of creating balance.
Why is work/life balance important?
In a 2000 study it was suggested that poor work/life balance "was associated with poor health outcomes including psychological strain, depression, burnout, stress, and substance abuse".
The return of investment in a healthy work/life balance is a sizeable one for your career and your life. Maintaining a balance has been reported to result in fewer health problems, more engagement with friends and family, better productivity and focus, and less burnout.
Why does creating work/life balance feel so difficult?
The internet is full of so-called experts and gurus who claim to have the "key" or the "secret" to creating a perfect balance, and here in lies the issue - PERFECTION.
There is no such thing as a perfect work/life balance.
In my experience of working with clients and trying to create balance in my own life, the struggle is triggered by unrealistic expectations and misleading promises of a perfect life that we're led to believe is possible.
We're all unique individuals with different strengths, different skills and unique brains. When embarking on a journey to creating your version of work/life balance, it's important to acknowledge that it will never be perfect, nor will it be identical to anyone else's version.
My work/life balance journey
As a coach, I've always maintained that enjoying a healthy, fulfilled and balanced life is possible if you do it your way, but I'll admit that I've struggled to take my own advice. For a long time I've strived for perfection, and it's always led me to the same destination - burnout. Burnout in my jobs. Burnout in my business. Burnout in my life. And as someone who has lived with anxiety for a long time, when I hit burnout, I burn hard!
I'm about to enter one of the most intense seasons of my life, which I know is going to challenge me mentally, physically, emotionally and energetically. My experience of burnout in the past sparks some anxiety about the next 12 months, but I have invested time, patience and money to get to know myself and reach a place where I certainly do not have a perfect work/life balance, but an awareness of what's required to create my version of balance, and I'm grateful that I get to share it with you today.
Here are my 5 steps to creating your version of work/life balance.
1 | Get to know yourself
Every time I've experienced burnout, I've been left wondering the same thing - who the f**k am I? Seriously, what do I like? Who am I outside of my job? Why am I here? Where did all my friends go?
My issue is that when I'm dedicated to something I get tunnel vision on that thing, which has proven to be detrimental for maintaining a healthy balance because it's all work and no life!
If you want to create your version of work/life balance you need a life to balance your work with, but if you don't know yourself, you can't create a life you love.
Getting to know yourself involves going inwards. This often looks like spending quiet time with yourself and answering the hard questions, which isn't easy. It also involves getting to know what you like, which requires finding out what you don't like. To do this, you need to get out and explore some hobbies. Yep, you've got to get out there and do new things with new humans in real life instead of hiding behind your screen at home. Be brave, you can do it!
2 | Set boundaries
It's the 'B' word that makes people wince, but changes lives for the better.
One of the most common reasons people struggle to create a balance between work and life is because they don't have time to dedicate to themselves. While some people have more commitments and responsibilities than others, almost everybody spends time on things on a daily basis that don't provide a useful return.
When you're setting boundaries, it's important to set boundaries with yourself and boundaries with others.
Understanding what boundaries you need to set with yourself starts with identifying habits in your life that are not conducive to the life you want to build, then putting boundaries and new habits in place to support behaviour change. As our trusty Einstein would say, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results", (he's so wise). If you're ready for a shift, seek out the common denominators in what's making you feel blah and boundary the sh*t out of them!
Boundaries with yourself to save time and energy might include:
Reducing screen time
Swapping mindless habits, (e.g. watching tv), with something more fulfilling
Limiting foods in your diet that negatively impact your natural energy levels, (e.g. sugar and caffeine)
Maintaining a strict bedtime routine
Limiting phone use in the morning and evening
The idea of setting boundaries with others tends to be side of boundaries that makes people want to curl up in a ball and never to speak to anyone again. If you're one of these people, hold tight for an entire blog dedicated to setting boundaries coming soon. For now, just remind yourself that your time is your finite life currency to invest and distribute. Unlike money, time doesn't come and go, it just goes, so be very careful and intentional about who and what you invest it in.
Boundaries you could set with others to save time and energy might include:
Spending less or no time with people who don't add anything to your life
Limiting the amount of extra work you take on
Saying No more often to general favours that you stretch yourself to take on
Turning down invitations to social events that you know will drain you
Basically, say No to more things and more people more often!
3 | Get organised
Girl, it's time to get your shit together! You keep saying you will, but it's serious now.
You would be shocked and appalled to learn how much time you rinse down the drain by living chaotically. I know it's easier for some than others to create and maintain order in life, but if you know you're not good at it, please ask someone to help you.
Forgetting appointments and deadlines, overcommitting, constantly rushing, being late, and always feeling on the back foot are not states that align with having a healthy work/life balance. It's been proven that being in a disorganised environment makes it more difficult for your brain to focus. An unfocused brain struggles to prioritise and work efficiently, thus taking more time and energy to complete tasks, and the cycle starts again.
While our brains develop in similar ways, no two brains are identical. Therefore, the key to getting organised is about creating systems that work for you. As a coach, I have worked with neurotypical and neurodiverse people who all think and systemise in different ways. Your job is to create your system or find someone who can help you create it, (like me).
4 | Prioritise relationships
“If the entire world sought to make itself worthy of happiness rather than make itself happy, then the entire world would be happy.” - Criss Jami
I truly believe that the golden key to living a happy and fulfilled life is love. It sounds cheesy, but I'm not just talking about romantic love.
I'm talking about the umbrella of love:
Gratitude for what you have
Appreciation for other people
Passion for what you do
Acceptance of who you are
A life without these elements is likely to lead to loneliness and isolation, (if it hasn't already), which is detrimental to your growth as a person. Similarly, strong relationships where honesty, understanding and respect is mutual, allow for more balance as boundaries are easier to set and maintain.
Your relationship with yourself is the foundation that underpins all love in your life. If you struggle to set boundaries and prioritise yourself, you may need to invest more time and energy into building your relationship with yourself. I believe that your limit to happiness is set by what you think you deserve, so no matter how much you promise yourself that you will put yourself first, you simply won't if you don't feel worthy of it deep down.
5 | Create foundations
Throughout your life you will enter different seasons; some seasons will be more intense than others. Your foundations are the things that ground you during your intense seasons, so you can maintain a healthy work/life balance.
As most of us have learned the hard way, trying to have it all, all at once, all of the time is unrealistic. Your foundational habits and behaviours are the things you adopt consistently through all seasons to keep you connected to yourself and others.
Inspired by psychologist Phil Stutz's 'Life Force' concept, my approach to laying foundations is to have a small number of non-negotiables that support three major aspects of what makes us healthy beings:
Your relationship with others
Your relationship with your body
Your relationship with yourself
This could look like:
1. Your relationship with others
Scheduling a call/ coffee with your best friend every 2-4 weeks
Scheduling a weekly phone free day/ evening with your partner
Having a weekly wellness check-in in your group chat
2. Your relationship with your body
Drinking at least 2 litres of water a day
Having vegetables with every meal
Moving your body in a way that feels good at least three times per week
3. Your relationship with yourself
Journaling daily/ weekly
Scheduling weekly personal time
Maintaining at least one hobby which is unrelated to work
Scheduling these things into your calendar first and planning your work around it will help you to maintain a balance during intense seasons, and empower you to say no to whatever doesn't align with your foundations.
Closing thoughts
There is no such thing as a perfectly consistent work/life balance.
Life is seasonal, and some seasons will be busier and more intense than others. During these seasons, the balance will be tipped in favour of work, giving you less time for life, but that doesn't mean you have to neglect life altogether.
Getting organised and creating strong relationships with yourself and others is critical to not losing yourself during intense seasons, so it's vital that you prioritise them.
Whatever you do, try not to use your work as an excuse not to enjoy your life, and instead, weave your work into your life.
Above all, be kind, gracious and patient with yourself. Finding your version of balance requires some ground work. You won't always get it right, you won't always find it easy, but if you commit to it, you will find it rewarding.
And if you're finding this a struggle, ask for help.
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